'Twas the night that was Myth Night
by Bääk

'Twas the night before Christmas
by Major Henry Livingston Jr.*

'Twas the night that was Myth Night, and all through the house
Nothing was stirring, except for Bääk's mouse;
The Wights were all strung through the rivers with care,
In hopes that some passers-by soon would be there;

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The Zerks were all nestled right next to undead,
While visions of Bacon-steals danced in their heads;
The Planning Time over, so I - who was Cap,
Had just dropped all the Satchels, and laid quite a nice trap,

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When off in the distance arose such a clatter,
Swung my Cam'ra 'round to see what was the matter;
Away to the battle I flew like a flash,
And there was a Trow - who was kicking my @$$!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The sight of the fight in the Trow-trodden snow
Gave me cause for alarm - with so much time to go,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dozen more troops, so I kicked it in gear!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With that Trow near the Ball - so fast and so tricky,
I knew in a moment it must be ol' NKI!
More rapid than eagles his 'kridia came,
He Yelled, and I cursed - since I'd traded the same;

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Then my spy found his Archers, three Dorfs and two JMen!
And though it sounds STUPID I couldn't go and BLITZ 'em!
With no Warlocks or Mauls - or armies of Thrall,
Forget taking them on! I MUST GET THE DANG BALL!!

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

I knew then that I'd have to rely on my spy,
And must pull off a "sneak" - and thus blacken his eye;
So straight for his army my Soulless they flew,
With a huge horde of Ghols, armed with Pus Packets too!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard "CA-SUAL-TIES",
Slowly panic ensued - and I started to freeze.
As I drew back my band, and was turning around,
Down the valley ol' NKI came with a bound.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

I was thinking "oh #$%&!!" as he sprung his surpise,
And I quickly regrouped what I could of my guys;
Then I suddenly thought when I had to pull back,
"I must lure him in NOW for my final attack!"

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

The skys - how they twinkled! Fire Arrows - so scary!
I was gathering Roots - but too many to carry!
Next his Archers - relentless - lined up in a row,
And then I had *just one* of my Archers to go;

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

(If you'd laid odds on NKI, it would seem a safe bet,
But lest we forget: DIS FIGHT'S... TO DE DET!)
'Cause I'd stolen the Bacon and laid it to rest,
On those Satchels... it looked like an egg in a nest!

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

'Midst a rain of Pus Packets, and Warriors clashing,
And all of those nasty Myr-kri-di-a slashing;
My Archer drew back, with his one Fire Arrow,
Let it loose as he died - and it soared like a sparrow!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

Yes the Bacon was Launched - but stayed tauntingly gray,
As it soared past our heads - we both died! - *NO WAY!!*
Must have BOTH tagged it right as it rocketed by,
No one left to go grab it! OMG! *IT'S A TIE!!*

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

It was "one for the books" - perhaps "Game of the Year"!
And although they'll be more, none will end quite this near.
So we played, and we played, deep into the night,
"HAPPY MYTHING TO ALL, AND LOOK OUT FOR THAT WIGHT!"

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

* - previously attributed to Clement Clarke Moore

NKI's Reply

Bääk that was clever,
I really must say.
But I'm calling Mythoholics Anonymous,
to put you away.

They'll be over quite soon,
I've been assured it's quite legal.
I told them you'd likely resemble...
poor Smeagol.*

They'll erase all the websites
That you've tended with care,
place electrodes on your nipples,
and conductors in your hair.

You'll be weaned down to Ms. PacMan,
then likely Atari.
I would like in advance
to say...that I'm sorry.

I truly care for your health
but must admit to a sin.
Next Saturday I'm really
just hoping to win.

--NKI

P.S.  If you really want to get out, I noticed the big
sink by the window was loose last time I was in.
Don't let Nurse Fetchit and her gang of thrall catch you.

* - aka Gollum